The Learning and Growth in Stretching

Dear Blog Readers,


It has been quite a while since I’ve written, but things have changed A LOT in my life. Last summer, while it was fun, it was not a good summer. I switched jobs and worked a TON but barely made enough money for me live off of. But God was teaching me that working hard doesn’t always have the reward of lots of money. I also had a summer fling, while it was good for me in some ways, it was not in other ways. It was good because it really taught me that I can’t go out and get in relationships with unbelievers, and it also taught me a lot about what to look for in my future husband. The bad is that I lost parts of my heart to a guy who ultimately didn’t even care, he just wanted one thing from me and I wouldn’t give it to him. He also stole my first kiss and now I can never have it back and share it with my husband. God grew me a lot through that relationship.


In September I went and lived in Kenya, Africa for two months. While it was probably two of the hardest months of my life, they were definitely two of the best of my life so far. God drew me so close to Himself, I think closer than I’ve ever been to Him in my life so far, while I was there working and helping take care of 47 beautiful children. He taught me so much about myself and Himself, it was so cool! When I left for Kenya, I had already applied for school, but I had no clue if I would get accepted in and even if I did I didn’t know what I would study. However, within the first two weeks of being in Kenya, God gave me complete clarity, He told me to study social work to be able to help the orphans that I love so dearly. After He told me, I got my acceptance letter into Texas A&M Commerce, which I definitely believe was a sign from God that it was what He wants me to do. My time in Kenya is for another blog post, I’m still processing some of it.


Since being back from Kenya, I have definitely grown, but it’s been a more difficult learning process. My transition back was pretty easy, but I was at a standstill in my relationship with God. I felt like I wasn’t learning anything anymore. It doesn’t really help that I got really caught up in working and then in school. I just got unfocused on Him and focused on myself. I think the main reason I had such a hard time was that I didn’t quit give myself enough time to process all that I had experienced and felt and saw while I was in Kenya. I just jumped head first into working and then I worked two jobs and went to school. All of this has somehow made me subconsciously build an emotional wall. I’ve only cried maybe once since I’ve been home, and that was the say that I got into my car accident. I couldn’t and still can’t understand why God let me get into such a terrible car accident and walk away with only a few scratches and bruises. My biggest question and the thing that I have the most trouble with is that I could be in Heaven right now. What do I, just measly old sinner me, have to do that will glorify Him so much that I couldn’t just be with Him right now? I’ve been struggling with this so much. But God being who He is, gives me little glimpses into what I am supposed to do, this was more of a conviction though. I am supposed to seek Him more fully, I need to follow Him wholeheartedly instead of following my own desires. I need focus on things above and not on things that I want to do.


In the past month, God has drawn me in close to Him again. I have really been trying to keep my focus on Him in everything I do, instead of focusing on myself. My emotional brick wall is slowly being torn down by both me and God. We serve such an awesome God. Why wouldn’t we want to glorify Him in all of our life? Well, I can tell you why it’s hard. It’s hard to put God’s and other people’s desires before our own. It’s hard to be selfless and humble in our service when we live in a world that teaches us that the world needs to revolve around us. For me, it was and still is quite hard to serve others wholeheartedly. It’s really hard to remember to be joyful while taking care of other people’s needs when we have our own needs and desires. I worked in fast food for two years, man, let me tell you something, it is REALLY hard to joyfully serve people who are mad that we didn’t not put pickles on their sandwich. I don’t think that those people realize that we are real human beings as well, with our own feelings. Thus, it is quite hard to serve others willingly and wholeheartedly when they are rude and mean to us, and yet we are commanded by God to love our neighbor as ourselves. Even though it’s really hard, we need to serve others. I am by absolutely positively not saying I am perfect at it, in fact I am not even good at it, but I know that with God I can become better and better, like with everything else, it is a process. So, if you feel alone in your not so much servants heart, believe me, you will never ever be alone, it is very hard.


Anyways, to wrap this all up, I’ve been growing a lot over the past several months. While it’s been hard, it’s been amazing. God is good, He is sovereign, He is awesome. But all this to say that this is me, trying to live my life form Him, our loving and gracious God.